Dearest Daddy

Dearest Daddy,
Hi, hello, how are you? It's your little girl on the line. You've been on my mind alot lately. I've often wondered what life would like if you were here with me. I often wonder if I would have made you proud or dragged you through the same disappointment I have with Mom. I wonder if I still would have made the poor decisions regarding men as I have, or if you would have sat there with the shotgun and drilled him, then advised "He's just not good enough for you, dear." Would I have still made the same decision regarding a lifemate? Perhaps, if I had, would he still have disliked my family so? These are some of the things I wonder.
I often wonder if any of the decisions I have made would have made you proud. I know I haven't selected the path you marked out for me as a wee babe. I tried to walk that walk for you, yet I feel inadequate. I wonder if mom would have been as strict on me if you were here. Would I have been a daddy's girl? I think as much as I favour you, I would have been. I would if I would have rebelled as much, or would you have sat me down with that stern daddy tone and tell me "This is the way it is. Now behave." Chances are, as stubborn as I am, I still would have rebelled. I still would have broken your heart, just as I did Mom's. Maybe this path was meant to be put before me no matter what changes were made in my past. Perhaps this is the only way I will truly grow out of my shell and become a stronger woman.
These thoughts look very selfish, yet I neglect to mention my other thoughts. I often wonder of my mother's happiness and contentedness. Would she be more or less happy? Maybe that eternal sadness wouldn't ride her eyes when she looked at me. I wish sometimes I favoured her more so when she looked at me, she wouldn't see your eyes. Nor would she see your smile when I hear something amusing. Just he other day, she moved me to tears. She was listening to 7 Spanish Angels on a 33 1/3 record. She quietly told me, "Barry loved this song." Her voice quality made me so sad. I wonder what it's like to lose someone and have so much sadness inside me like that. Even after all these years, the sadness remains.
I've decided to do something health related. I know it's not law (God knows we need a good lawyer in the family), but I have no passion for justice like I used to. I've seen the Justice system fail many: victims and innocent people. I can't be a part of that. Perhaps I can help to heal the sick and change the world this way. Hopefully, this is something you can be proud of. Hopefully, one day I will see you and you will greet me with, "Well done daughter. I'm proud of who you became."

Love Always,
Daughter Dearest

Longing/Schizophrenic

Why is it that we always want what is the most inaccessible to us? Does this go back to Biblical times of Adam and Eve? Eve wanting to partake of the forbidden fruit not because the snake said, but simply because it was off limits? It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm a grown, logical, rational, responsible woman. Tell me why I long for something I KNOW I'll never have. Something that if I possessed it, I'd discard in a few days. I swear - it's a mindf*ck. Maybe it's because I believe the best things in life aren't easy or free. Maybe it's the whole - "Hmm, I have it now. Game over" idea. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I swear I feel like the Puddle of Mudd song - schizophrenic psycho. There are two people inside my head. One is the sane, rational, logical, sweet woman I want to be. Or know I should be for that matter. The other is the same reckless, insane, illogical, mad woman I've fought all these years. I thought that I had finally locked her away in this nice, neat straight jacket. Apparently, she broke free a few weeks ago and has been wrecking havoc in my life ever since. It's almost a classical case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde without, of course, the mad science. (I never was any good at mad science. I was always much better at happy science.)

So, anyway, I feel like I'm going crazy. My resolution for 2009 was to be more of the open book that I thought I was. All my friends point out I'm not quite the open book I claim to be, so I'm trying to do better. The only problem with opening up to them is it releases the madness. This madness has been swirling around in me for a long time. I don't know how to deal with it either. I seem to be incapable of controlling it. If I don't shut the doors, the madness will consume me. I will go back to being that crazy, unstable girl again. I never want to go back to those days.

So, I guess this is the change I need to work on in my life. I need to attempt to tame my madness. Any suggestions on where to start will be most appreciated.

Disappointment

As Memphis Raines once said, "Without disappointment, you cannot appreciate victory." Obviously, as a man, he was not referring to matters of the heart, but truer words were never spoken. Tonight, I suffered the one of the biggest disappointments since my divorce. I don't know, but this broken plan hurt my heart so badly. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't cried in quite some time. I cannot, in fact, recall the last tears I cried. I'm sure it was February or March, so that's about a year. Maybe it's bottled up frustration. I felt for sure my heart would break. It was a weird feeling, cause I knew tomorrow, the sun would shine, my lips would smile, it would be a better day. But this moment in time, it was not ok. My heart hurt, my pride hurt, and I needed some comfort. This kinda disappointment nearly discourages me from dating. I felt so forgotten. I think that's what really hurt me. I felt so invisible, very unwanted. I just hate this adrift feeling that I have. I admit, I love being single. I love being about to flirt and flint about with different men. At the end of the day though, I long for that feeling you only get when truly comfortable with someone.
As a result of this disappointment, I phoned the only person I could think to sooth and comfort my shatteredness. He did just that. It was like his voice rocked me as a baby in a mama's arms. He gave me what just what I needed at the moment I needed most. I did something I haven't done since I met my ex-husband - beared my soul. He's heard my voice quiver with saddness and all but seen the tears on my cheeks. For the better part of nearly two hours, he listened, sympathized, and offered suggestions. This warmed me. I so rarely open these gates to anyone that once opened it just poured out of me. I could do nothing to hold it back. I guess this is all part of learning to fly. Maybe this is way I never unfolded my wings before.
It's been said I'm not the open book that I think am. Maybe this is true. This new one in my life has just glimpsed the hidden chapters. Whether he wishes they had remained hidden or not is up to him. I'd just like the opportunity to say thank you for the support, New Root. Whether you know this or not, you're a very special man. Thank you for being there.

Addendum to Monday January 5th's Post

I neglected to mention that I'm also thankful for all the leaves in my life. The leaves are people who have come into my life and left for whatever reason. Maybe they were ex boyfriends, college roommates, classmates, or friends of the olden days. (Wow, this whole 28 thing is really getting to me. :D) Whether it was just for good times or briefest loves, these people have touched my life in one way or another. The partings weren't always sweet, the times not always good, but the experience from knowing them was mostly positive. Lessons were learned about trust, respect, love, and how to deal when these virtues are exploited. The deepest pain one can know is the betrayal of a friend. I expect significant others to lie. I expect family to not always do the right thing. I never expect betrayal by someone near and dear to me. Someone I have called friend for a very long time. (Well, in the history of my life, it is a very long time.) In the scheme of things, it was her lies that cut me the deepest.
The new leaves I have now are beautiful and colorful. Who knows, one day something else may grow from them. However, right now, I just enjoy watching them dance with the wind and soaking up the sun.

Things to Be Thankful

I suppose I'm a little late on this post. It should have been written about a month and half ago, yet this is something that I should express. I've come to realize I have much that I take for granted that I should be thankful for.

1. My branches - These are the people who know the surface me. We don't get into the deepness of relationships. They are generally good for the laugh, the flirt, the fun, etc. They are the pretty decorations in my life. They occupy the time, take up the space, but are not generally people I call on in an emotional emergency. They share in the goodness in my life. They cheer me on when I undertake a new project. Occasionally, a branch will fall to the ground and become a root. I do not mean to make these people sound superfical. My life would be dull and boring without them. They bring all the colour into my life.
2. My roots - These people are crazy. They are overprotective, opinionated, and generally insane in the membrane. But they love me and support me. During my divorce, I wouldn't have made it without my mother's love and support, my stepdad's financial support, and my brother's moral support. They mean no harm when they try to guide me in the right direction. They seem unable to understand their path is not my path. I've tried walking their path. I stumble, lose my way, and just generally feel frustrated with it. Someday, I hope they will see my way was not always the easiest, clearest, or most planned, but it was the one I was destined to take. It is shaping and molding me. For all they do and did, I am forever grateful and indebted to them. The other non-familial roots I have are the ones that I can always count on for the emotional support for any crisis or the celebrating of any joyous occasion. Most of these are new since, during my divorce, my whole root system seemed to dry up. These people always encourage me for everything, always tell me and make me feel as I'm beautiful, and always inspire me to do the best. They love me in spite of my flaws, or perhaps, they love me for my flaws. They are the twinkle in my eyes, the smile on my lips, the song in my heart. Without them, I'd be nothing. I'm forever grateful for the new roots that have come into my life and uplifted me to the highest point I've ever been. They are helping me fold my wings and fly again.
   

This is just a big thank you to all the ones I have to be grateful to. You'll never know what your love and support has meant to me. I hope one day I can return this favour ten fold to you.

<3
Cat

Bringing Sexy Back

Well, being 28 isn't all that bad. The world didn't crash. I didn't start melting when I took a shower from all the dust that was collecting. It was just a normal day. I did have the nicest meeting with a friend yesterday. I was so nervous about meeting this guy. Well, I'm always nervous about meeting new people. He invites me over for drinks and movies. What a great idea! He tells me that casual is the dress. Anyone that knows me knows casual is not a good idea. I'm likely to show up in sweatpants. So when I convey this to him, he tells me that is totally ok. Hmm. Apparently, he's not impressed with appearances. So, I dress in jeans. This is casual enough for me while not being slouchy. I visit with friends before I meet him. When we finally meet, I confess, he was perfect.

When I get out of my car, he hugs me. And not a "hug for you even though I don't know you" hug, with the briefest embrace, but a whole hearted hug like we'd known each other for a long time. I've never been so comfortable with someone so quickly. When he said he was dressed casual, he really meant it. Well, i changed into the sweatpants. I must say, I've never felt more attractive in sweatpants in my life.

We watched several movies. He snuggled me and just touched. He made me feel so sexy by simply just putting his arms around and holding me close to him. I've not felt that in quite some time. It's made me feel better than I've felt in a long time. He shared his self confidence issues (though he's a very attractive man) and showed the shyness that I always find very appealing. It felt so good to know how I felt was shared by someone else. I truly am not alone. This was the best birthday gift I could have received.

So, I will start doing to the gym this week. I will start eating better again. I will carry this new sexy feeling with me and own it. This is my change of 2009. So, thank you for the great gift. I'll cherish it always. I will bring sexy back in a BIG way.