Longing/Schizophrenic

Why is it that we always want what is the most inaccessible to us? Does this go back to Biblical times of Adam and Eve? Eve wanting to partake of the forbidden fruit not because the snake said, but simply because it was off limits? It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm a grown, logical, rational, responsible woman. Tell me why I long for something I KNOW I'll never have. Something that if I possessed it, I'd discard in a few days. I swear - it's a mindf*ck. Maybe it's because I believe the best things in life aren't easy or free. Maybe it's the whole - "Hmm, I have it now. Game over" idea. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I swear I feel like the Puddle of Mudd song - schizophrenic psycho. There are two people inside my head. One is the sane, rational, logical, sweet woman I want to be. Or know I should be for that matter. The other is the same reckless, insane, illogical, mad woman I've fought all these years. I thought that I had finally locked her away in this nice, neat straight jacket. Apparently, she broke free a few weeks ago and has been wrecking havoc in my life ever since. It's almost a classical case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde without, of course, the mad science. (I never was any good at mad science. I was always much better at happy science.)

So, anyway, I feel like I'm going crazy. My resolution for 2009 was to be more of the open book that I thought I was. All my friends point out I'm not quite the open book I claim to be, so I'm trying to do better. The only problem with opening up to them is it releases the madness. This madness has been swirling around in me for a long time. I don't know how to deal with it either. I seem to be incapable of controlling it. If I don't shut the doors, the madness will consume me. I will go back to being that crazy, unstable girl again. I never want to go back to those days.

So, I guess this is the change I need to work on in my life. I need to attempt to tame my madness. Any suggestions on where to start will be most appreciated.